A Coupla Jokes

[speedracer]

Joke 1:
===
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what happened to him?"
o
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived utside the house he didn't brake properly and BOOM - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him. He survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him. He even survived that! So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how on earth did he die?"

"I shot him."

"You shot him?! What the heck did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house!!"
===================

Hahaha!

Joke 2:
===
A baby polar bear is sitting on an iceberg beside his mom. After a few minutes, he turns to his mom and says, "Mom, are you sure I’m a polar bear?" To which his mom says, "I am a polar, your dad is a polar bear, therefore, you are a polar bear, OK?”

A few minutes later the baby turns to his mom again and says, "Are you sure I’m a polar bear?" To with his mom says, "I’m a polar bear, your dad’s a polar bear, and your brothers and sisters are polar bears. You’re a polar bear, OK?"

After a few more minutes he turns again and says, "Mom, are you SURE I’m a polar bear?" To which his mom says "Look, I’m a polar bear, your dad’s a polar bear, your brothers and sisters are frigging polar bears, your grandparents are polar bears, and all your aunties and uncles are polar bears!! Why do you keep asking me if you are a polar bear?"

To which the baby replied, “BECAUSE I'M FREEZING!”

[speedracer]

Some more:

Yo Momma’s So Fat:
- When she dances she makes the band skip.
- When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
- She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
- When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
- When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
- She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
- When I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
- Her blood type is Ragu.
- When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
- She can't even jump to a conclusion.
- Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
--

==
Univ. of Utah Jokes:
==

Q: How do you get a Ute grad off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
--
Q:What to BYU students and Utah students have in common?
A: They both applied to BYU.
--
Q: What does the average U of U player get on his SAT's?
A: Drool.
--
Q: How many Ute students does it take to fix a flat tire?
A: Two, one to hold the drinks, and one to call daddy.
--
Q: What do you call a Ute with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
--
Q: How many Ute freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
--
The engineer who graduated from Utah State asks, "How does that work?''
The engineer who graduated from the BYU asks, "How can I make that work better?''
The engineer who graduated from U of U asks, "Would you like fries with that?''
--
Two Ute fans and a Cougar fan were on a plane together and as luck would have it, they were all in the same row. The Ute fans had the window and the middle seat, leaving the Cougar on the aisle. Neither Ute nor the Cougar said a word until the flight was halfway over. Then the Ute in the window seat leaned over and said "Now I know you're a Cougar, but I'm thirsty, and I would hate to disturb both you and my friend here by going to get a cola....Would you mind going and getting a drink for me?"

The Cougar thought for a second, then answered, "No, it probably would be easier that way," and he got up and went down the aisle.

The Ute in the window seated grinned to his friend and reached over, grabbed a shoe that the Cougar had left behind. The Ute quickly spit into the shoe and put it back on the floor, just as the Cougar returned with the drink.

"Sir," grinned the Ute in the middle seat, "before you sit down again, I wonder if you could get a drink for me as well?" The Cougar rolled his eyes, and walked back down the aisle. As the Cougar left, the Ute in the middle seat winked at the one in the window seat, grabbed the Cougar's other shoe from the floor, and proceeded to spit in it.

He place it back on the ground just as the Cougar returned with the drink for the second Ute.
The flight was coming to an end, and in preparation our Cougar friend placed his feet back in his shoes, quickly experiencing what the Utes had left there for him.

The Utes laughed loudly at this and congratulated each other at the prank they had played.
The Cougar stood up to deplane, turned to the Utes next to him and said, "My friends, where will this hatred end . . . what with all this spitting in shoes, and peeing in drinks!"

;D

[jogden]

i like the U of U jokes the best, but maybe that has something to do with being a BYU student. i liked the SAT one, i hadnt heard that before! lol

[ZionYouthofSC]

How do you keep Hellen Keller busy for hours?
Give her a basketball and ask her to read it.

Why does Hellen Keller play the piano with one hand?
She plays with one hand, sings with the other.

How do you keep a red neck busy for hours?
Give them either a piece of shiny stuff, or a sheet of bubble wrap.*pop...pop...pop*

You know your a redneck if... your tires on your truck cost more then your truck.
(sorry im a non redneck fan of the Blue Collar Comedy group)

You see that girl over there...thats my little girl...shes my world...and if you think of huggin, and kissin'...you remember these words. "I dont mind goin' back to prisson."

*I swear if i dont like one of my friends boyfriends I WILL use that...I can look very homicidal*

[dallin]

"for every tear my kid crys i'll brake 1 bone in ur body and they he/she weeps"

my dad said that

[brittany]

Blonde LOGIC
> Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
>talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think
is
>farther away...Florida or the moon?"
> The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
>Florida..??"
>
> SPEEDING TICKET
> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
>nicely if he could see her license.
> She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together.
>Just yesterday, you take away my license and then today you expect me
to
>show it to you!!!"
>
> RIVER WALK
> There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
sees
>another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get
>to the other side?"
> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts
>back, "You ARE on the other side..."
>
>
> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
> A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body
>hurt wherever she touched it.
> "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her shoulder and
screamed.
>Then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her
knee
>and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere
she
>touched made her scream.
> The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
> "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
> "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken..."
>
> KNITTING
> A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway.
>Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the
>wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights
>and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and
>yelled, "PULL OVER!"
> "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!!!"
>
> BLONDE ON THE SUN
> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
>Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
> The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
> The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the
sun!"
> The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook
their
>heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
the
>Russian.
> To which the Blonde replied, "Duh, we're not stupid, you know.
We're
>going at night!!!"
>
> IN A VACUUM
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She
>rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was,
"If
>you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
> She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off???"
>
> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
>dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
saying
>that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
>
> Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
that?"
> "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs.

[speedracer]

Haha, blonde jokes are great.

[brittany]

i know, haha, my friend sent them to me.